Dan: Oh I'd say about at least 8 billion.
Host: Uhh, but aren't there only 6-7 billion people on Earth? Not to mention the fact that a large portion of that Earth lacks basic cable and all.
Dan: Well, you forgot to factor in multiple viewings by some of my most die hard fans.
Host: True, true, I do watch your shows at least 6 times a day; even while I'm in the shower.
:Audience murmurs in mutual agreement:
Dan: You also forgot to add in the people who shop around stores like Sears with those big flat screen televisions showcasing some of my heroic survival feets. One person multiplied by a lot of TV's equals a lot of viewers. Thus, one shopping mall can generate up to at least a million views in a couple hours. With some basic arithmetic, that comes out to a clean 8,000 million, or in other words 8 billion viewers.
Host: Brilliant. Now before I forget the reason why you're here in the first place, why have you come to Hawaii anyway? Are you thinking of vacationing here?
Dan: Oh no, nothing like that. In fact, I'm actually here to film a special edition for my two shows.
Host: Wait a second. Two shows at one time? Isn't it easy to have scheduling conflictions with your camera crews?
Dan: Ah well, as you already know, I film myself for Survivor Guy while working with an assistant to show the basics of survival. :cheers of agreement from audience: However with Man vs that Cruel Bitch called Mother Nature, I have only one cameraman while only I am in the spotlight. In fact, here he is.
???:....
Host: Quiet fellow isn't he? Uh, what's his name?
Dan: Oh he's just a little shy and he doesn't like talking in front of other people. His full name's Dr. Archibald Chochohill Livingstone, but you may call him Chocho for short. Not only is he the cameraman, he's also the assistant; so he's quite the talented fellow.
Host: Interesting. So what will you two be doing here in the islands?
Dan: We will be cataloging some of the non native animals here while also showing the best and worst method of catching and eating said animal in the scenario that world apocalypse has occurred and that all the supermarkets are closed.
Host: Sounds great. I heard that you two have brought in some props for live demonstration. Is that one of those annoying pigeon's that crap on your car while stopping under a traffic light? :points at a caged brown bird with yellow beak and black head: Do they come from the mainland?
Dan: Oh no, that is Acridotheres tristis, the Common Myna aka the Indian Myna. They have generally tough meat and they're a little hard to catch so I do not recommend them, unless in an emergency. However the pigeon you were referring to previously is the Zebra Dove; Geopelia striata. They come from around Southeast Asia. They're filling and pretty easy to catch.
Host: Really? Tell us more Badger Dan.
Dan: Well, first I'd like to allow Assistant Chocho to demonstrate the wrong thing to do to capture birds.
Chocho: :releases birds and brings out pole and gloves. He pole vaults into the flock of birds and attempts to punch and kick them out of the air:
Dan: Now you see, he brought the wrong equipment and is doing the standard procedure for hunting giraffes. We are hunting birds. Now we know that birds have a nasty habit of doing their toiletries on your car, your expensive jacket, your hair; basically anything expensive. I've devised a cunning trap that catches the little shits 100% of the time if done correctly. Now simply take off your jacket and begin to dig a hole big enough for you to sit on but not fall in. Bury your jacket like so...as you won't be needing it anymore. Now these birds find a jacket irresistible to crap on, so as a result they begin to dig ferociously to satisfy this idiotic carnal instinct of theirs. Watch.
:oohs and aahs:
Dan: Now that they have re-dug a decent sized hole, gauge the amount of progress they've made. It's important to make sure they don't get the chance to do "the deed" as they will fly off immediately after doing so. Now simply just plug up the crater with anything flat or large you can find so that they can't escape. Don't be worried about them noticing you as they'll be too busy digging. Also, don't be afraid to use your ass, as this is a survival situation. Now just wait a minute or two for the birds to asphyxiate and behold. You are now the proud owner of a weeks worth of meals. Don't forget to gather the feathers to make into a feather boa for warmth or a survival gown. Don't be shy about that either. Dressing in drag can be the difference between life and death so make it as long, luxurious, and fabulous as possible. Oh if you can't manage to find a jacket lying around, just hold a large piece of glass in the vertical position while taping seeds to the surface. Place it in a high traffic area. It's a little slower but just as effective.
Host: Oh and what about those little brown sparrows? Aren't they a little runty?
Dan: Passer domesticus? The House Sparrows? On the contrary, they're a delicacy much like Zimbabwean grub-worms.
Host: I remember that episode. That was even more epic than the usual.
Dan: Well, skydiving into a volcano while shooting down a herd of wildebeest from several miles up does give it a special feeling but I digress. I even have a secret recipe for our sparrow friends. Just fry them. In tempura batter if you can find it. Did I also mention that I was a part time Iron Chef?
:scribble and scratches from note taking in the audience:
Dan: Now on the subject of ducks. My assistant Chocho is an expert in such matters. I'll let him take over.
Chocho: :takes a dead duck, stretches it out into longer shape, then proceeds to club other ducks, while also fending off a bear. He then crushes several walnuts with the beak, roasts it using it's own feathers as tinder, and then eats it with the crushed walnuts as a seasoning:
Dan: As you can see; a dead duck in expert hands can be the swiss army knife of the wild, acting as a hunting tool, bludgeoning flail, defensive billy club, delicate towel, nutcracker, fire starter, and as an emergency ration. Notice how the distribution of feathers help to spread the heat evenly which cooks the duck billed avian all the way through.
:more oohs and aahs:
Host: Ooh, I also notice you have some mongoose. That I know about.
Dan: Ah yes, Herpestes javanicus, the South Asian Mongoose; or as we like to call it, fast food. Take note however that you should only do this with juvenile mongooses as the adults often put up a nasty fight by clawing at your stomach and mouth. Or mongeese. Or however you pronounce the plural form of mongoose. When you come across a young mongoose, simply engulf the little thing and keep it in your mouth. What makes this so simple is that it requires almost no preparation, plus it is interactive as Chocho is demonstrating now.
Chocho: :muffle:
Dan: With the vermin in his mouth, he has many different ways of killing it; humanely of course. He could drown it in his own saliva, wrestle it into submission and then strangle it with his tongue, or deprive it of oxygen until it suffocates. At this point he can swallow it. Now for the more squeamish of survivalists, you can skin the mongoose by pulling at the nape of the beast and pulling the fur off in one clean stroke; much like a tube sock. You are now free to eat the animal at your leisure.
Host: I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you there Badger Dan as we're fresh out of time.
:boos and hisses and cries of disappointment from audience:
Dan: Well, it's not all bad. Tune in on Saturday and I'll teach you how to make a shelter out of a single squashed roach.
(This was inspired by a conversation between me and David about birds and mongooses. And other stuff about eating them. I can't remember.)
NOTE: DAN DOAN, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
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