(Skip to bottom paragraph for short review)
Today was the opening day of Transformers 3. At least that's what it said on some of the posters. Not the posters that said July 1st but the ones hanging on all the theater walls. Clad in my "Robots in Disguise" t-shirt and terribly excited (though with some reticence - it was a Michael Bay flick after all), I made my way towards Ward Center
I walked into the Titan XC theater with 3D glasses clutched in my clammy trembling hand, past the minimum wage usher/janitorial staff, and I sat down in my chosen seat, K12. Of course, there just had to be a kiddie next to me yelling "who dat decepticon" throughout the whole movie, while some biatch just went to town on her phones keypad; which by the way burned with the intensity of a million supernovae in the dimmed theater.
Now on the film itself. I mean movie. My mistake. To clarify, there's a big difference between a film and a movie. Movies pander to the largest common denominator, filled with special effects, "epic" moments, scantily clad women, and mindless action. They are also known as blockbusters. Films contain legitimate themes, character development, and at least some semblance of a coherent plot. (To be fair, there can indeed be a mix of the two; which in my opinion is the best of both worlds. Just look at Christopher Nolan).
Transformers succeeds at being a blockbuster. It smashes it out the door. The 3D and special effects are mindblowingly awesome. What can I say? The first couple minutes showing the Autobot ship (The Ark) doing aerial loops in space evading Decepticon battle cruisers on a war torn Cybertronian battle field had me on the edge of my seat. This is where it started going downhill. The two identities of TF3 kept trying to duke it out to see who would win. Naturally, it's a blockbuster as that is Bay's repertoire. Cars, boobs, explosions, etc... But there was another side that just kept getting in the way like an evil mentally ill twin brother. The movie tried a little too hard to be a film. There was an unnecessary love story between the protagonist, Sam "Nononononono" Witwicky and his girlfriend which was pretty much the same old thing since the other two movies.
This is what erks me. The franchise is called Transformers. Not "A Boy named Sam and his Impossibly Hot Girlfriend - and some robots". This is where Transformers: Bay's Take failed. None of the movies in the series had any character development. Sure there was Sam but do I care about Sam? No. I care about the robots. But given the amount of detail and backstory from the movie (which was next to nothing) there was no way that the average audience member could have possibly had the same reaction that other movie goers had when they watched Optimus Prime's death in the 1986 cult classic, Transformers the Movie. The movie 25 years later kept shifting from the Transformers perspective (which was the one I was mainly focused on) to Sam's, and like that same evil twin brother, the channel was suddenly switched and along with it came the troubles of a post-teenage boy; aka somebody I don't give a damn about in this type of film. A fourth of the movie involved him trying to get a job. Nice. I kind of liken it to two horses pulling in the opposite direction. If they'd only just go one way, they'd actually get somewhere.
This is pretty much exactly why the Bayformers failed. Unlike the old movie, these movies were mostly comprised of just a super long Even Stevens episode (though granted Shia scores big every single time for some inexplicable reason) with the Transformers as a supporting cast. Plenty of the robots in the movie don't even speak all that much. Just a couple lines here and there. They might as well not even exist. Some of them don't even play as an homage correctly. The red Ferrari was actually supposed to be named Mirage - a character from the old tv show. Same thing with the blue Mercedes, Wheeljack. Instead, they're called Dino (yes, pronounced the same as the lovable Flinstones dog Apatosaurus' name - The middle name of Mr. Ferrari himself) and Que (a reference to James Bond's weapons expert and supplier) respectively. I don't know why they couldn't just stick with the regular names. Nobody is going to get the references in the middle of this mindless movie. I did but only because I've been following this for almost two years.
(God, it looks so stupid; why would they do this?! Next they'll be giving them clothes to wear; pants, suspenders, and canes. Oh wait... )
Fortunately, the third is definitely the best out of the trio for the sheer fact that it actually takes the best out of the first two while taking out some of the shit that made the first two shitty. Not all of it, but some of it. Still progress like shit to diamond covered shit. The final hour of the movie was simply put, the finest piece of sci-fi disaster porn that I had ever seen. Throw all of this together; mechas, doomsday, destruction, guns, chaos, robots, and Mission Impossible and you have what is probably the finest brain numbing non stop non linear action sequence in existence. There are also pot holes galore that go with it but whatever. The collapsing building portion and the stuntman wingsuit portion was simply breathtaking.
My take on the series was that it should have gone like this. TF1 would have been a prequel of sorts still showing the bots on their home planet Cybertron. Sort of like a back story. (Look at War for Cybertron - High Moon Studios really pulled that one off) It would have been great to show the initial period of prosperity between two equal brothers (Optimus and Megatron), both leaders in their own respective fields as researcher and general. It would have also been great to show how the rift between the two began when Optimus; a lowly data archivist was revealed to be a descendant of the Primes. That would have been a fantastic opportunity to show the differences between the two brother's actions; Megatrons jealousy which eventually manifests itself in his role as the instigator of the planet wide civil war, and Optimus' relunctant role as the new leader of the Autobots seeing as how there is no one left to take up the mantle. That is character development. That is a plot. TF2 would have shown them on Earth and well the rest writes itself. Unfortunately for me, this is not reality. At the end of the day, the profits matter and at the end of 2007, 2009, and assuredly 2011; the box office ticket listings will show that Bayformers will always be a major money maker. It's a damned shame.
(This is what the movies should have been.)
In short, Transformers 3 fails as a film but succeeds beyond any male's wildest wet dream as an action sci-fi blockbuster movie. There are girls, guns, robots, patriotism, explosions, mayhem, destruction, and testosterone in a solidified state. If you're looking for just a bunch of spectacular scenes (Avatar on metal), some risque comedy, and violence in any way, then this is the movie for you. Just make sure to check your brain out at the door. Oh yeah, you should probably see it in 3D. It frickin' works for this movie.
Sound Effects and Detail - 5/5 Energon Cubes
Plot - 3/5 Energon Cubes
Characters - 2/5 Energon Cubes (+1 because Optimus Prime is in it)
Cinematography and Choreography (3D) - 4/5 Energon Cubes (Wingmen stunt actors deserve some kind of award. Seriously).
Music - 3/5 Energon Cubes (The grand composer from the first two films is back along with the annoying Linkin' Park. Sorry, but I just don't like that band).
Ken Jeong - Bonus Point
Overal Score: 7.2/10 (From a partially annoyed adherents personal point of view. If I wasn't such a die hard fan of Transformers, the score would be a full point lower.)
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