Annoying Ads

We've all come across it before.  You're surfing the web, checking your email, clicking through the news, and perusing videos when all of a sudden this shit pops up.  


The Web Browser Hijacker

Look at it.  Just mouse over one tiny inconspicuous ad and this Home Depot commercial advertising a backyard grill pops up with accentuating soft muzak.  Why in God's name would I be interested in this?  I don't even have a yard.  

Sometimes, you don't even have to mouse over the goddamn thing.  It just pops up all by itself.  The first time it happened, I wasn't even sure why my mouse wasn't working.  I clicked all over the website but to no avail.  I thought I needed to replace the batteries in my mouse or something but nope.  The ad takes priority by hijacking your browser.  What a fucking attention hog. When I tried to close it, I ended up accidentally clicking the ad.  Could you blame me?  That freaking close button is as small as an ant's cigarette lighter.  

Other ads just shift everything downward.  I see a news story I'm interested in so what do I do?  I click on it.  

Just before that happens, an ad enlarges and I end up clicking on that and I end up having to wait for the damn thing to load.  

The Cock-blocker

Bullshit.  


If you don't understand how annoying this is, then here's a hypothetical scenario for you.  Imagine a vending machine.  

You go to the vending machine with the intent on purchasing Doritos (just throwing a familiar and decent brand of snack food out there).  You press D5 but before you know it, the entire row of snacks shifts down so you get what was on the upper row (C5) instead.  You reach into the machine to grab your snack and you get this.  

Bullshit.  I hate Fritos.  


Here's another example of this type of ad.  

What kind of question is this?  Is Buffalo Wild Wings an enjoyable place for dining and football?  How would I know that?  I've never been there before.  

I also notice that the companies that make these ads have conveniently (by "conveniently" I mean for the companies themselves) made the close button as small as possible.  They even go so far as to design the add in such an asinine way that it drives all attention away from the inconspicuous little x sign.  

The Chameleon

Look at this nonsense.  Where is it?  I can't close it.  Oh no.  Please, don't make me listen to how Degree Motion Sense Women's Scented Deodorant has extra strength anti-perspiration technology that works as you exercise.  Curse it all. I don't want to be institutionalized.  A whole minute must have went by before I finally found the damn x sign.  

Unbelievable.  They purposely gave their ad a needlessly "trendy", "effeminate", and "modern" design (notice the exaggerated curve in the upper right corner) in order to drive all the attention away from the x.  I know I didn't see it until after the commercial finished.  I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't have seen it either.  It's fucking camouflaged. 

Speaking of tricky design, I noticed that some ads have decided to move the close button altogether.  

The Switcharoo - Exhibit A

The Switcharoo - Exhibit B

Ok, now that crosses the line.  

Close buttons are on the right side of the screen (except for Macs because they're "sooo rebellious").  This is normal.  Ads also have close buttons on the right side of the screen.  That is also normal; thus, when some advertising designer decides to have a little fun by switching around the location of the close button, it fucking pisses me off! There is no reason to do that other than to confuse the person in general and allow extra time for the ad to be watched.  It's shady, it's contemptible, and it should be illegal. 

Edit:  On a side note, I just remembered the infamous Netflix ads from Fandango.  You would go to check a movie time and as soon you closed the window, this abomination would be the first thing that you would see on your monitor.  


 
The Flasher

Your first thought probably would have been "How did that get there?"  When I first went on Fandango, I actually thought I got a virus.  Every time I went on Fandango and closed the window, that ad would pop up like Ol' Faithful.  I double checked the website and guess who decided to show up?  

Another thing I decided to check out were those online tv channel sites (I don't have time to watch it on tv).  I came across this.  


The Dilemma

Nice.  Very nice.  Watch a long trailer now or watch a series of trailers interrupting your show.  Extended agony now or several episodes of it in smaller increments?  A bullet to the head or several stabs to the gut?  A single showing of M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender or several episodes of The Jersey Shore.  It's like "pick your poison."  

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon - Review

(Skip to bottom paragraph for short review)

Today was the opening day of Transformers 3.  At least that's what it said on some of the posters.  Not the posters that said July 1st but the ones hanging on all the theater walls.  Clad in my "Robots in Disguise" t-shirt and terribly excited (though with some reticence - it was a Michael Bay flick after all), I made my way towards Ward Center.  Along the way I spied some fellow fans dressed in their own Cybertronian attire.  I tried to do the universal greeting but I stopped halfway which probably saved myself from a couple minutes of embarrassment. 

I walked into the Titan XC theater with 3D glasses clutched in my clammy trembling hand, past the minimum wage usher/janitorial staff, and I sat down in my chosen seat, K12.  Of course, there just had to be a kiddie next to me yelling "who dat decepticon" throughout the whole movie, while some biatch just went to town on her phones keypad; which by the way burned with the intensity of a million supernovae in the dimmed theater.  

Now on the film itself.  I mean movie.  My mistake.  To clarify, there's a big difference between a film and a movie. Movies pander to the largest common denominator, filled with special effects, "epic" moments, scantily clad women, and mindless action.  They are also known as blockbusters.  Films contain legitimate themes, character development, and at least some semblance of a coherent plot. (To be fair, there can indeed be a mix of the two; which in my opinion is the best of both worlds.  Just look at Christopher Nolan).  

Transformers succeeds at being a blockbuster.  It smashes it out the door.  The 3D and special effects are mindblowingly awesome.  What can I say?  The first couple minutes showing the Autobot ship (The Ark) doing aerial loops in space evading Decepticon battle cruisers on a war torn Cybertronian battle field had me on the edge of my seat.  This is where it started going downhill.  The two identities of TF3 kept trying to duke it out to see who would win.  Naturally, it's a blockbuster as that is Bay's repertoire. Cars, boobs, explosions, etc... But there was another side that just kept getting in the way like an evil mentally ill twin brother.  The movie tried a little too hard to be a film.  There was an unnecessary love story between the protagonist, Sam "Nononononono" Witwicky and his girlfriend which was pretty much the same old thing since the other two movies.  

This is what erks me.  The franchise is called Transformers.  Not "A Boy named Sam and his Impossibly Hot Girlfriend - and some robots".  This is where Transformers: Bay's Take failed.  None of the movies in the series had any character development.  Sure there was Sam but do I care about Sam?  No.  I care about the robots.  But given the amount of detail and backstory from the movie (which was next to nothing) there was no way that the average audience member could  have possibly had the same reaction that other movie goers had when they watched Optimus Prime's death in the 1986 cult classic, Transformers the Movie.  The movie 25 years later kept shifting from the Transformers perspective (which was the one I was mainly focused on) to Sam's, and like that same evil twin brother, the channel was suddenly switched and along with it came the troubles of a post-teenage boy; aka somebody I don't give a damn about in this type of film.  A fourth of the movie involved him trying to get a job.  Nice.  I kind of liken it to two horses pulling in the opposite direction.  If they'd only just go one way, they'd actually get somewhere.  

This is pretty much exactly why the Bayformers failed.  Unlike the old movie, these movies were mostly comprised of just a super long Even Stevens episode (though granted Shia scores big every single time for some inexplicable reason) with the Transformers as a supporting cast.  Plenty of the robots in the movie don't even speak all that much.  Just a couple lines here and there.  They might as well not even exist.  Some of them don't even play as an homage correctly.  The red Ferrari was actually supposed to be named Mirage - a character from the old tv show.  Same thing with the blue Mercedes, Wheeljack.  Instead, they're called Dino (yes, pronounced the same as the lovable Flinstones dog Apatosaurus' name - The middle name of Mr. Ferrari himself) and Que (a reference to James Bond's weapons expert and supplier) respectively.  I don't know why they couldn't just stick with the regular names.  Nobody is going to get the references in the middle of this mindless movie.  I did but only because I've been following this for almost two years. 

(God, it looks so stupid; why would they do this?!  Next they'll be giving them clothes to wear; pants, suspenders, and canes.  Oh wait... )

 Fortunately, the third is definitely the best out of the trio for the sheer fact that it actually takes the best out of the first two while taking out some of the shit that made the first two shitty.  Not all of it, but some of it.  Still progress like shit to diamond covered shit.  The final hour of the movie was simply put, the finest piece of sci-fi disaster porn that I had ever seen.  Throw all of this together; mechas, doomsday, destruction, guns, chaos, robots, and Mission Impossible and you have what is probably the finest brain numbing non stop non linear action sequence in existence.  There are also pot holes galore that go with it but whatever.  The collapsing building portion and the stuntman wingsuit portion was simply breathtaking.  

My take on the series was that it should have gone like this.  TF1 would have been a prequel of sorts still showing the bots on their home planet Cybertron.  Sort of like a back story.  (Look at War for Cybertron - High Moon Studios really pulled that one off)  It would have been great to show the initial period of prosperity between two equal brothers (Optimus and Megatron), both leaders in their own respective fields as researcher and general.  It would have also been great to show how the rift between the two began when Optimus; a lowly data archivist was revealed to be a descendant of the Primes.   That would have been a fantastic opportunity to show the differences between the two brother's actions; Megatrons jealousy which eventually manifests itself in his role as the instigator of the planet wide civil war, and Optimus' relunctant role as the new leader of the Autobots seeing as how there is no one left to take up the mantle.  That is character development.  That is a plot.  TF2 would have shown them on Earth and well the rest writes itself.  Unfortunately for me, this is not reality.  At the end of the day, the profits matter and at the end of 2007, 2009, and assuredly 2011;  the box office ticket listings will show that Bayformers will always be a major money maker.  It's a damned shame.  

(This is what the movies should have been.)

In short, Transformers 3 fails as a film but succeeds beyond any male's wildest wet dream as an action sci-fi blockbuster movie.  There are girls, guns, robots, patriotism, explosions, mayhem, destruction, and testosterone in a solidified state.  If you're looking for just a bunch of spectacular scenes (Avatar on metal), some risque comedy, and violence in any way, then this is the movie for you.  Just make sure to check your brain out at the door.  Oh yeah, you should probably see it in 3D.  It frickin' works for this movie.  

Sound Effects and Detail - 5/5 Energon Cubes

Plot - 3/5 Energon Cubes

Characters - 2/5 Energon Cubes (+1 because Optimus Prime is in it)

Cinematography and Choreography (3D) - 4/5 Energon Cubes (Wingmen stunt actors deserve some kind of award. Seriously). 

Music - 3/5 Energon Cubes (The grand composer from the first two films is back along with the annoying Linkin' Park.  Sorry, but I just don't like that band). 

Ken Jeong - Bonus Point

Overal Score: 7.2/10 (From a partially annoyed adherents personal point of view.  If I wasn't such a die hard fan of Transformers, the score would be a full point lower.) 

The Day Before "Doomsday"

Well tomorrow's supposedly the day of Rapture.   At least according to a select group of die hard Evangelical Christians and Harold Camping: the doomsday predictor who's already been proven wrong before (when he predicted the world would end in 1994 and well... we're all still here).  Frankly, people have been wrong about the date since Jesus' time. 
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/06/competition-for-when-the-world-will-end/

The sane and rational already know that tomorrow is not the end of the world.  Even the Bible itself says that no man knows the exact date of our doom so I highly doubt the opinions of a crusty old turkey suffering from Alzheimer's.  Just look at him.  


However, that's not the point.  Everyone already knows he's an idiot.  The point is that the people who have bought into this scam; individuals, friends, families and their children, are going to be in for a nasty surprise come tomorrow.  By now, they've spent, given away, or donated everything they've owned to spread "the message".  They've sold their car, belongings, homes, and futures in exchange for a trailer and bunch of cardboard signs.  How are these people going to survive in this economy after willfully bankrupting themselves like that?  How do you bounce back from literally "new gaming"?  


I don't really sympathize with the easily impressionable and stupid but I just feel sorry for the fact that they threw away their lives.  It even looks like this Camping guy actually made money off of this doomsday venue. 
http://money.cnn.com/2011/05/19/news/economy/may-21-end-of-the-world-finances-harold-camping/index.htm

What pains me the most is that the children are the hardest hit victims.  They listen to their mom and dad almost unquestionably (I know I did).  So what happens when your mom and dad says they're selling the house, all your stuff, and going around the country to preach about the end of the world?  You have no choice. How are these parents going to explain to their kids on May 22 that they were wrong?  By saying "Oh sorry honey, we made a mistake and we don't have anything except our little caravan and a now worthless prediction.  Our bad"?   


You know, nice job Mr. Camping.  You've managed to somehow cram a little extra slime into your already wasted life.  You're literally on the precipice of your natural life and yet, you're not satisfied.    Don't people like you just retire and vacation or something?  Go para sailing or sky diving.  But no.  "Hey, I think I'll go ahead and make myself look like the biggest douche in the world.  I absolutely need to put more black marks on my soul by misleading all these families." You, along with all your followers are going to be the laughing stocks of the world in a mere 24 hours.  Good job.  


And I already know what's going to happen once the 22nd hits.  Mr. Camping will probably go on and on about "Oh, I might have made a small miscalculation in my bogus Biblenometry, sorry about that".  Well, that's all good and all but not so for the families still holding the signs.  Now they got to trade those in for 12/20/2012 signs.  I pray they live long enough to even see that day (not that I believe in that either).