Freshman: a Novel by Michael Gerber

This book was suggested to me by "Madame Diep", and I have to say that I'm glad I took her advice.  It's amazing.  It's certainly not Shakespeare and I'm glad it's not even close.  I'm already in high school, not to mention in Shakespeare fest.  I'm sick of reading classical literature.  On topic: If you read this book, you'll be happy to know that it's written in a certain style that's just... easy to read.  The way it describes certain things from the viewpoint of a sarcastic/sardonic teenager on the verge of entering the college of his dreams;  it's just hard to stop poring over every line and that's what I like about this book.  It has so many hooks that draw you in, whether it's the prose, the vibrant cast of characters, or the hilarious little anecdotes that adorn the bottom of every 4th or 5th page.  


The basic plot is that a kid named Hart Fox is trying to get into the best Ivy league college in the country, called Stutts.  The catch is that they only allow one person a year from each school (or something like that) so the competition is fierce.  He makes a deal with his hometown richman Mr. Darling, to pay his way through the $75,000+ yearly fee (since he's poor) but at the cost of him taking all the classes of his idiot son, Trip; who also managed to get into Stutts.  He goes through many trials in his new school but not in the way that he expects; in fact, Stutts is almost the complete opposite of what he expected it to be.  By allying with his new friends, he finds different ways to 


From page one, I was already drawn into this boy's struggle, seeing how it's pretty relevant to what I'll have to endeavor through later on.  The book plays upon the clichéd "I'm a boy and I have a girl rival: I need to beat her" with Hark competing against a girl named Doreen for the coveted acceptance letter into Stutts.  In fact, I thought this was going to be the main conflict but boy was I wrong.  It wasn't even 1% of the story.  The curveball here is that neither of them got it.  It was actually Trip, the idiot son I mentioned earlier.  Now this brings up the main problem.  Trip's dad is rich.  Filthy rich.  He bathes in it.  He, along with his lineage are also complete assholes.  And that's what makes this book such an entertaining one.  It's got so many assholes.  But I'll get back to that later.  


Now  you can already see what happened here.  Daddy Darling probably paid off a couple folks to let his son into his alma mater (which is probably how he got in too) over the prime candidate Hart.  When Hart finds out about that, he demands that he also get in, along with payed tuition.  Darling accepts grudgingly but also demands that Hart take all of Trip's classes.  Outgunned and outplayed (since Mr. Darling practically holds all the cards), Hart begins his journey into becoming a Stutt's freshman.  What he discovers is a school completely devoid of the niceties and sophistication he thought "the best Ivy League school in America" would have.  It's actually quite the opposite.  He moves into Dacron house while Trip moves into his family's private suite on campus, while also managing to become part of the most foul and idiotic fraternity in existence, Comma Comma Apostrophe (,,').  


Hart makes new friends in the form of Peter; a fellow intellectual who loves his wheelchair gadgetry and pranks, Ellen and Reed; The Cuckoo staff members (a failing humor paper), and Tabitha; his girlfriend who happens to be a 150 year old vampire who also happened to take the virginity of several men in history (one of whom was Mark Twain).  She also wishes she could turn into a whale.  


I won't give the rest of it away (since that would ruin everything) but once again; the things I liked about this book are the assholes, jerkfaces, and complete douchebags that are prevalent among the campus.  While reading, I couldn't help but hearken back to the elementary school days where I first started reading Harry Potter.  I saw many similarities with the magical setting (though in a different way) and it's cast of antagonistic characters (Malfoy, Snape), though in a much larger concentration.  Imagine Harry Potter but with everybody except Harry and few people belonging in Slytherin.  That's pretty funny.  


As you can tell already, the antagonists are some of the most stupid, vile, corrupt, and downright disgusting creatures ever to walk the face of the Earth much less a college.  Now how could this be appealing to the reader you ask?  Although it seems like it's David (Hart) vs Goliath (Dumb and Dumber) situation, the story moves along rather quickly because as a reader with a conscience, you want to keep reading to find out if Hart wins out in the end or not.  The bad guys piss you off just enough to keep on flipping the pages even if you're on the last twenty or so sheets with the hope that "This kid's going to do it.  These douchebags are finally going to get theirs."  


Another thing I liked about this book was the humor involved.  Of course there was the occasional slur (but we're all adults now) but the unique gem in this book was the numerous little anecdotes indicated by a small number next to a key phrase and the little passage at the bottom.  The jokes and stories that accompanied these portions were frighteningly witty, and at times, just had me chuckling to myself while the occasional pedestrian on the sidewalk avoided walking close to me for fear of me being insane.  That hasn't happened too many times before.  I also enjoyed the random humor and the completely (and sometimes downright impossible) moments of fantasy.  For example, this quote will be stuck in my head (with page number memorized) forever "The feel of rain on your balls - there's nothing like it".  Has anyone ever seen a wheelchair deploy a fully rotational Vulcan machine gun while going 30 miles per hour?  I know I haven't.  Did you also know that vampires have a global organization called the COTD? 


I highly suggest this book.  I suggest the hell out of it.  By the power vested in me, read this god damn book with all your might.  It's funny, it's modern (so no need for translating outdated jargon), and it makes sense to the demographic it's intended for (us).*  


*It changed my life, I don't think I can look at colleges (or fraternities, or wheelchairs) the same way again.  Best book I read this year.  Evaaaarrrr.

Green Lantern (2011)

Though this movie hasn't come out yet, I will still post the trailers.  I will review it once I watch it.

(Trailer 1)

(Wonder-Con Trailer)

Mulan

(A motley crew.)

This is easily one of my favorite Disney movies and it's actually one of the first animated films I was exposed to in my childhood (Meemaw liked Asian films).  The scenery, the animation (especially the battle scenes), and the messages.  It's just simply a feel good film.  There's a special kind of charm to this movie that quite frankly isn't in a lot of movies today being that I can watch it over and over again and never get bored. 


The movie starts off with the Huns climbing over the Great Wall and beginning their invasion of China.  The emperor then decrees that all households (families) must contribute one man to the army in the notion that "every man counts".  I'd like to make a small note saying that the Hun leader, Shan Yu is one of the creepiest villains in the Disney cast.  His voice and eyes (especially those eyes) kind of remind me of another antagonist from an Asian themed movie, Kung Fu Panda (Tai Lung).  The fact that he just stood there and allowed the sentry to set the fire signal to warn of his arrival... that's ballsy.  

The main character is introduced with a story that seemingly has nothing to with the previous one.  Mulan is shown apparently writing crib notes on her arm to remember a speech she has to do to impress a matchmaker (where she competes with other women to become a bride).  This sort of thing was common back then in China, where a woman was bound by honor and duty; a theme that's prevalent throughout the film.  She fails miserably due to her "lucky" cricket and her inherent tomboy nature, but it's shown that she's both resourceful and intelligent (which plays an important role later on).  

(That face...Hnnggghh!)

Being the daughter and only child of her family, the fate of her family rests with her ability to procure a husband (I'm not sure how this works but I believe that since women back in China could not own property and that property ownership transferred from the wife to the husband, this was the only way for Mulan's family to maintain it's position / or maybe it's just an "honor" thing).  Having failed to impress the matchmaker (obviously), the situation is only made worse when the emperor's "secretary" Chi-Fu arrives to draft men in the army.  Being the only man in the family, Mulan's father has no choice but to accept.  Unfortunately, he's in no shape to be in the army, having already served in a war, being old, and having a debilitating injury (he uses a cane to walk).  Mulan vigorously disagrees with his decision but is rebuked by her father once again bringing up the timely theme by stating that it is his "duty" to serve the emperor.  She runs off but somehow realizes that the only way to save her father is to adopt a new persona as her father's son and join the army herself.  

In yet another story arc about gaining honor, the family ancestors send a guardian dragon to retrieve Mulan to save her from disaster.  Mushu; the demoted family guardian, accidentally destroys the stone dragon he was instructed to awaken resulting in him taking his place in secret to prevent retribution from the ancestors.  He along with Crikee (the cricket) catch up to Mulan to provide comedic relief and give her advice on how to act like a man but due to his misguidance, she creates a ruckus on her first day.  (Another thing I liked about this movie was Eddie Murphy's voice work as the dragon Mushu.  His Jessie Jackson type sermons and references to Batman were a nice treat.  What struck me as funny was the odds of a dragon with the voice of a black comedian in the middle of China...but that's getting a little too far into it.)  

While initially telling Mulan (or Ping as her male alias) to pack up and go home, she (or rather he) wins Captain Li Shang's respect by successfully accomplishing his test (to retrieve an arrow at the top of a towering pole while carrying two heavy weights in each hand).  Fast forward past a motivational training montage and Mulan transforms into a capable warrior with 3 new friends (or stooges, whichever you prefer).  I liken them to Ed, Edd, and Eddy.  Li-Shang is anxious for his troops to begin battle but his advisor Chi Fu states that the troops are not ready due to his evaluations of before.  Realizing that his plan maybe in jeapordy (turn Mulan into a war hero and bring her home), in yet another hilarious scene, Mushu tricks Chi Fu by giving him a fake order that states that back up is needed at the front lines.  

(The Make-Believe Commander and his "black and white" mount.)

After another travel montage and enlightening soundtrack, the mood is brought down to a screeching halt as the troops come upon a town ravaged by the Huns.  The devastation is reminiscent of this scene in 300 but with absolutely no dead bodies or blood. They then come upon the remains of a battle with the apparent victors the Huns and the helmet of Li Shang's father, the General.  The worst is assumed.  The troops are then ambushed by the Huns thanks to an act of idiocy on Mushu's part and due to Mulan's quick thinking, the enemy is wiped out by an avalanche set off by a rocket.  Unfortunately, Mulan is wounded (the first time that I see blood in a Disney movie... ever.) and her cover is blown when she has to take her armor off.  About to be slain by the Captain for being a woman in battle (the "law"), he stops in mercy, opting to abandon her on the mountain instead.  

(Fastest victory... ever.)

Failing to regain honor masquerading as a man, she goes into a depressive monologue but stops when she realizes that Shan Yu is alive (from his echoing yell).  She rushes down to the Forbidden city to warn the Emperor but she is met with hostility and disdain from her former partners and citizens for being a woman.  The Huns reveal their presence, the Emperor is taken hostage, and they barricade themselves in the palace. In a classic Disney twist, the soldiers are instructed by Mulan to dress up in drag to fool the cronies while breaking into the palace by using their dresses (Coincidentally the voice actor for Yao played a lead role in Torch Song Trilogy, a play about a gay drag performer: needless to say, he's a champion for gay rights).  Quoting Batman, Mushu manages to obtain heavy duty fireworks (a barrel rocket),  Shan Yu is trapped by Mulan's ingenuity (again), the lizard steadies his aim, and the resulting attack blasts him into the firework storehouse triggering a chain reaction that encompasses all forms of "overkill" assuring the viewer that "This guy is dead.  He's deader than dead.  His ancestors probably felt that.  He must have vaporized within seconds..." something like that.  

(Death by instant combustion of hundreds of cheap chinese rockets.)

And so the day is saved by a woman.  The Emperor acknowledges this and gives her his medal and Shan Yu's sword, and even offers her Chi Fu's job.  She returns home to her father and he's just happy to see she's alive.  Li Shang arrives for dinner, Mushu get's his job back as family guardian and it's a typical happily ever after ending.  


I liked how this movie played on female empowerment and all but isn't it kind of weird that to do this, Mulan had to first disguise herself as a boy?  And how do you not notice a woman in a man's armor?  Were the soldiers idiots?  Or just plain blind?  I promise you that If I put a helmet on Beyonce and asked you whether or not she was a man or woman, you wouldn't even have to reply.  I also couldn't help but notice that all the characters have the thinnest eyes I've ever seen in a Disney movie.  Not to mention that out of all the princesses, Mulan has the flattest chest.  I'm not sure whether this is supposed to play on some kind of stereotype so I'll just chalk it up to nothing more than sheer coincidence. Also interesting to note that nobody kisses anybody in this film (with the exception of one occurence between Ling and his imaginary wife in the song, "A Girl Worth Fighting For").

(Be aware that this is as close as they ever get.  GG Disney.)

 Another thing is the string in this movie.  Wherever there's string, you're bound to see something that defies the laws of physics.  I wasn't aware that a single piece of string can support a horse and two people. At then ending scene where the troops make their escape, they hang onto lantern strings to rappel down.  That's right.  The string is the only thing supporting their weight.  That stuff has got to be made of pure unadulterated tarantula silk. 

(How can one string and silk cloth support this behemoth and the geezer he's holding?)

This movie was made during the Disney Renaissance (The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Alladin, etc...) so of course, there are singing numbers in it.  They were okay.  Some of them were great but the other singers in them had pretty raucous voices.  In short, while some of them were memorable, I disliked the parts where the stooges got to sing.  It just sounded... wrong.  That didn't make it any less funnier though.  I actually enjoyed their roles though more for the visual comedic effect than the singing portion.  To my knowledge, Mulan's singing role is done by the same person who sang for Princess Jasmine in Alladin.  


All in all, though it has it's funny little quirks (and suspiciously racist ones), I say it's a good movie.  I expected a full on cheesefest when I popped this thing into my DVD player but instead, it was an enjoyable experience.  I finally understood some of the quips, jokes, and references that totally went over my head when I was little.  In fact, when I watched this film, I realized that this was probably one of the more violent Disney movies at the time.  Sure there weren't any dead bodies, but it was implied.  Entire villages and infantry units decimated and the depiction of actual blood?  There were even some one liners leading up to "implied scenes" (the scene cut away before they were about to do or say what they were going to do) which in my opinion were well worthy of a PG-13 rating.  I won't spoil it, but it's pretty sinister for a kids movie. 

(Who are you?! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDP8zru0FPE)