WTF: Dear Mr. Turd, the Thief...

To the thief that swiped my box of fundraising chocolates while I was on lunch duty, 

Please pardon my French, but... Fuck you.  In all orifices simultaneously.  

To people who say "Oh he probably deserved it, he shouldn't have left valuable things in a place where anybody could get it."  Well, that's not the whole story.  I left my belongings at the place where everybody does when working the cafeteria.  Nobody else had their things stolen (designer handbags, wallets, etc...).  It was not out in the open and neither was the pay out that good (a dollar and $29 worth of assorted Hershey's brand candy).  Not only that, this just pathetically shifts the blame on to the victim when it should be placed squarely on the shoulders of the guilty.  I hope to god that the school staff does the right thing instead of saying "We can't do anything. You shouldn't have left your stuff there."  Well, what was I supposed to do?  Leave everything with a teacher first?  How about my 12 lb bag and calculus book?  Or how about my clothes, wallet, and cellphone while you're at it.  Should they hold on to that too? Lest it be stolen off my back.  

(Not exactly orange but close enough.)

However, you (the thief) did manage to make one fatal mistake.  I know that you're one of the lunch monitors.  Now you see, my AP Biology class was called into service (despite being only 5 students strong).  As a result, back up students from another class were taken up.  Now the only people who had access to the area with my bag were the adult supervisors, cooks, and the workers (us students).  Now there is a roster that has every single one of our names used to divide .  Since I know for a fact that none of my fellow AP classmates could do such a heinous crime, quick logic points to the "other" students.  The list is small; probably numbering less than 12 or 11.  Thus, the suspects are narrowed down to what's on that list.  With such a small range of suspects, it should be easy to find a person selling or carrying around a large comely orange box of candy.  In short; You're fucked.  I've already asked the lunch supervisors to be on the lookout, and I've also spoken with the vice principal.  She has by now already called some of you into her office to be interviewed.  It's a shame.  I really wanted to do the interrogating myself (how fitting being that I'm in a play depicting a detective. I was even wearing the right clothes). I know that nobody (absolutely no one in this school) is selling candy from the same exact box as we (NHS) are, and I also personally know every single one of the NHS members selling them (being that there were only a couple).  

(Dramatization)

Now you're probably too busy engorging yourself on your ill gotten gains or possibly selling it off for your own profit to listen (or think).  Maybe you're altruistically distributing it to all your little soulless hooligan friends.  Regardless, I would like to give you some friendly advice.  Enjoy it while you can.  If I spot you holding an orange box and you are not an NHS member, I will notify the security guards (and the authorities if I have to) and hold you down kicking and screaming until they arrive.  These hands and feet haven't done karate in about 4 years but I think I can use my imagination.  Other than that, this isn't a little prank.  No, this is flat out theft.  A felony.  Not a misdemeanor. A "Class A/B Offense" which can lead to suspension, dismissal, arrest, or a court referral (or any combination of the above), straight from the little old school planner itself.  Yeah, big time.  How's that? 

In the unlikely scenario that you do manage to escape.  You won't.  Criminals always do it again. It's almost like clockwork.  Eventually, you're going to get caught stealing somebody else's cookie dough.  And when you do, I can assure you that you'll be sent to whatever little hell hole you and your friends normally go to.  But that's not the ultimate sacrifice.  You've already destined yourself to fail by adopting this little juvenile stint as a "gangsta" or as a "homeboy".  Now I don't know if you're trying to make yourself look cool for some girlfriend or if you're just that hungry (I hope you choke and fart-sneeze in a crowd at the same time if you do) but this was a fundraiser.  Thanks to you, I've lost $15 for paying for the cost of the box and another $15 that was meant to go to the NHS.  Thanks, I really needed that.  This was supposed to go towards awards for the particularly hardworking graduating seniors in our group.  But no. Instead, the contents of this box will be used to reward the despicable actions of a backwards yobbo who has no intention of even writing his own name on the upper right hand corner of a paper.  Pathetic.  

While the satisfaction of catching a criminal can be sweet, it saddens me to know that there will always be degenerates like you at our school.  Just to be clear, I'm not singling out any one ethnic group.  I'm referring to the group called "The Slackers".  Why just today, there were two fights, one in the cafeteria in which the crime took place, and out near Crane Park after school.  I didn't see it, but I could see the droves of people leaving as the security broke up the fight.  Riveting.  I just don't see nor understand the fascination in all that barbarism.  Go to the zoo or turn on Animal Planet if you want to see monkeys fight.  This also extends to the people who don't try in school; those who refuse to learn.  You're slowing the system down.  If you don't even want to be here, what's stopping you?  You're pissing the teachers off, and more importantly, you're pissing me off.  If you could just go off and do whatever your life calling was (McDonald's condiment bottle re-filler, Starbucks cashier, Walmart store inventory checker, toilet scrubber and urinal cake replacer, professional wall headbutter, etc...) then do so.  It would make me and everyone else a lot happier.  I also feel that  the wannabe MMA fighters of this school would make excellent soldiers out on the field.  Simply round up a couple thousand (draft them from all over the school), drop them off on the front lines armed only with their fists and we'll win both the Middle East AND the Libyan Crisis in no time; all for practically no cost.  Watch your back Osama, and you too Gadhafi.  

(Don't rob me.  Please!)

I must thank you for one thing however.  Thanks to your deplorable actions, you actually made me more confident in Shakespeare-fest.  Maybe a tad soft in the vocals department, but still.  I thank you for helping me dance to the tune of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance".  Unfortunately these condolences only last till the end of tomorrow's Shakespeare-fest, before I start despising your actions with all my willpower.  Until then, revel in it as much as you can.  

I hope to God that this was all some kind of mistake, some elaborate misunderstanding where  I'll go to school tomorrow morning and it turned out that I accidentally shoved the box underneath a shelf or something and that every suspect was actually a good law abiding citizen.  Unfortunately, this outcome is in no way realistic.  Yep, this nugget of character building will probably sway me to become a lawyer (not really), some kind of judge (I'll do it for the food, wig, and gavel), or maybe a modern Dirty Harry (love that movie).  

(Dirty Schwab... yeaaaah no.)

Aaaaannd Edit:  It turns out that the VP cannot touch the people responsible.  She narrowed the suspects down to two people but she lacks the evidence to get them.  They're going to walk.  That's what sucks about these people.  They're so criminally hardened, they're capable of walking into the VP's room and straight up lie to her face with a smile.  I can't imagine what their life is like at home.  Man, I know it's wrong to think stuff like this, but I hope they end up committing some crime they can't get out of later on in life; especially when it counts.  Based on what I saw today, I'm sure they will.  Maybe they'll get busted for grand theft auto, identity theft, burglary, or shoplifting.  Hey, maybe they'll try to run away from the authorities and be shot dead in the process.  It's happened before.  Maybe that's true justice; a quick court martial to the back of the head.  Whatever, I just hope somebody pays for their mistakes.