What. The. Fuck. It's probably been my 50th time to a store and guess what? I can't fucking find one dvd. It's not like it's obscure, old, obscenely crappy, or rare like Deathstalker 4. No, in case you didn't see the title, I'm talking about the 6th Harry Potter movie. You know? This one?
Now don't get me wrong; I hate this movie. I just flat out despised it when I saw it in theaters. I don't know, maybe I didn't like the path the director was taking when he took on this movie, or maybe because it left out way too much stuff from the book, or maybe it just had too much of that teenage angsty bull crap I always talk about. It's okay in small amounts but when Harry Potter suddenly starts turning into fucking Bella Swan... we have some problems.
(Geez, what a panzy...)
But that's not the point as it's just my personal opinion anyway. The point is that whenever I waltz into a DVD store, it'll never have the 6th movie. Sam Goodies, Barnes and Noble, Shirokiya. And you know what's even more sad? I checked the shelves at all these locations and guess what I found? Harry Potter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7. You mean to tell me that you have the final movie (at least one part of it at least) but not the 6th one? You know that really grinds my gears; to just look at my DVD collection only to see an empty void that I can't fill all because stores just either refuse to carry this DVD or that customers besides me buy it as soon as they walk in.
Because of this one hiccup, I can't buy any more of the Harry Potter DVD's and with the second half of the finale coming out soon, I'm going to be behind on my quota. That is unacceptable. Man, fuck this movie. I don't even like it, but I have to buy it to complete my collection, but even when I do gotta buy it, I can't freaking find it. What a hassle.
I must say that I'm terribly excited for this film. Of course, despite being terribly disappointed (and slightly exhilarated from the second film), Michael Bay just has that way of making you want something despite you knowing that it's going to be pretty bad (at least based off previous experience). Kind of like McDonald's in a way. You know it's killing you but you keep coming back for more.
(This was actually released today.)
Based on what I know already, this occurs after the events at Cairo, Egypt (if you've been catching up with the series). Sam apparently ditches Mikaela (since Megan Fox was fired for comparing her boss to Hitler) for a girl named Carly (British Victoria's Secret Model). This ties in with the old television series (Where "Spike's" girlfriend is named Carly) but then again, that's like saying Transformers 1 was a Microsoft commercial because it showed an Xbox 360. Either way, it's a nice little easter egg that probably nobody will catch unless you actually watched the original cartoon.
(Hmmm, I wonder how her real life boyfriend feels about her frenching Shia... by the way, he's the guy from
From what I could gather from the transformer fan sites, forums, blogs, and online toy shops, it appears as if this is going to be one of those mass invasion movies. Just look at the trailer. It's kickass. Like brain rotting Battle LA but a bajillion times cooler since Optimus Prime is in it. But seriously. Just look at the size of those transport ships. I shit my pants when transformers just suddenly started erupting out of the surface of the moon like giant mechanoid zombies. 3 of my favorite things in one place.
(Red eyes. Decepticons)
It's also apparent that they'll all have giant souped up weapons. Sort of like how combining was the main stay of the second film, this film's big theme this time will be Mechtechs. I just took the name right off the toy adaptations. Yes, you heard right. I'm getting my info from the toys they make from the movie. Now, it might seem a little unorthodox but I can tell you it's quite accurate. The movie toys come out months before any commercial so when I saw the same exact weapons from the toys in the commercials, you can bet I was going to keep following them. I also already know that (Spoiler) fan favorite Lazerbeak is in the movie along with Sentinel Prime, Megatron is the dirty truck with canvas cape (kept thinking Assassins Creed), and Optimus fuses with his trailer to form a flying super suit (ala RID and Armada yet again).
(Yeah, that's really Megatron. Don't believe me yet, look below.)
(Collectable coin: I see a shotgun and chains. Badass.)
(Trailer had better not have to die to combine with Optimus ><)
I noticed a trend in these movies. It's always got to do something about Shia LaBeouf and his "growing up" as a man. The first movie had him getting a car. The second had him going to college. What's his third rite of passage? Getting a job. Who'd a thought. Now the basic premise is this. He tries to get a job and his girlfriend gets stuck in a city. No ordinary city but the city that the Transformers are going to go all Battle LA on. So he has to go in and rescue her. The scale of the fighting will be huge apparently; even going so far as to be shown on Cybertron (another term that had me running to the bathroom). There's also this whole moon conspiracy plot where the space race between the US and Russia was actually to get to the moon to check out an alien space craft (The Ark - Autobot ship - another tv tie in).
(What is it about authority that makes the bitchiest people think that it makes them immune from the wrath of 30 foot robots?)
The Autobots are lied to apparently, the government is once again an ineffective tool (like the second one) and Earth itself is now the new battle ground for Autobot's and Decepticons million year long blood feud. (I'm assuming to be) 3 years after the events at Egypt, Megatron is apparently trying to spread fear and hatred of the Autobots around as evidenced by pictures like these that were floating around back then.
This sort of reminds me of that one episode in G1 (Megatron's Master Plan) much like how Transformers ROTF borrowed the sun harvester concept from another episode (Changing Gears). If history does repeat itself, then I expect all the humans to start wanting to boot the Transformers off the planet (which was also brought up in the sequel).
(Oh man, shit's gonna go down. That's a ship by the way).
The new villain that caught my eye is Shockwave. Thanks to Dr. Smoov, he's easily one of my favorite Decepticons thanks to his lack of compassion, cold personality (or rather lack of one), logic over feelings, and that one eye. It might even seem that he's actually stronger than Megatron with all the hype that's going around him as the new main villain. (I would have thought that this was impossible but the second movie yet again... sigh).
He's the top Decepticon assassin, where nobody sees him without being turned into a smoldering crater (movie prequel comics). After Megatron's fear campaign, he apparently hires Shockwave to wipe out the Autobots, acting as his secret weapon. He also has a pet worm of some kind. A giant building eating worm. Or worms. Whatever. It's still awesome.
(Surprise! They're also robots.)
Obviously, I'm going to be watching this movie with the hope that it follows an Indiana Jones trend where the first movie is great, the second is balls, and the third is close to or the same as the first. I know many critics pan these movies for being too intellectually insufficient but this is what I want to pay for when I go to the movies this summer. A good old fashioned popcorn flick. Not The Great Gatsby in 3D. Also. Please, Please, Please, stop with the fucking dumb ass humor Michael Bay! I do not want to see anymore leg humping, racist robotic caricatures, or masturbation jokes. It's getting old.
I've finishing up on some forms for my engineering internship at UH. I have one thing on my mind right now. I hate paperwork. I have to fill out so many details; my classes, my address, my parents info, essays, recommendation forms, you name it. The deadline is Friday, or rather it was... since the post office doesn't open on Good Friday. Now it's moved up to Thursday. That's just great. Oh, it also turned out that I had to get another thing; my official transcript so that's more paper work. Turn that in... wait a day... and when I finally get it, I can't even fucking open it. Aren't they just my grades? Isn't it my stuff? Damn it all. The spoiled maraschino cherry on the pile of crap that I'm being served. I hope that I actually get accepted for all the work and effort I'm going through.
To the thief that swiped my box of fundraising chocolates while I was on lunch duty,
Please pardon my French, but... Fuck you. In all orifices simultaneously.
To people who say "Oh he probably deserved it, he shouldn't have left valuable things in a place where anybody could get it." Well, that's not the whole story. I left my belongings at the place where everybody does when working the cafeteria. Nobody else had their things stolen (designer handbags, wallets, etc...). It was not out in the open and neither was the pay out that good (a dollar and $29 worth of assorted Hershey's brand candy). Not only that, this just pathetically shifts the blame on to the victim when it should be placed squarely on the shoulders of the guilty. I hope to god that the school staff does the right thing instead of saying "We can't do anything. You shouldn't have left your stuff there." Well, what was I supposed to do? Leave everything with a teacher first? How about my 12 lb bag and calculus book? Or how about my clothes, wallet, and cellphone while you're at it. Should they hold on to that too? Lest it be stolen off my back.
(Not exactly orange but close enough.)
However, you (the thief) did manage to make one fatal mistake. I know that you're one of the lunch monitors. Now you see, my AP Biology class was called into service (despite being only 5 students strong). As a result, back up students from another class were taken up. Now the only people who had access to the area with my bag were the adult supervisors, cooks, and the workers (us students). Now there is a roster that has every single one of our names used to divide . Since I know for a fact that none of my fellow AP classmates could do such a heinous crime, quick logic points to the "other" students. The list is small; probably numbering less than 12 or 11. Thus, the suspects are narrowed down to what's on that list. With such a small range of suspects, it should be easy to find a person selling or carrying around a large comely orange box of candy. In short; You're fucked. I've already asked the lunch supervisors to be on the lookout, and I've also spoken with the vice principal. She has by now already called some of you into her office to be interviewed. It's a shame. I really wanted to do the interrogating myself (how fitting being that I'm in a play depicting a detective. I was even wearing the right clothes). I know that nobody (absolutely no one in this school) is selling candy from the same exact box as we (NHS) are, and I also personally know every single one of the NHS members selling them (being that there were only a couple).
(Dramatization)
Now you're probably too busy engorging yourself on your ill gotten gains or possibly selling it off for your own profit to listen (or think). Maybe you're altruistically distributing it to all your little soulless hooligan friends. Regardless, I would like to give you some friendly advice. Enjoy it while you can. If I spot you holding an orange box and you are not an NHS member, I will notify the security guards (and the authorities if I have to) and hold you down kicking and screaming until they arrive. These hands and feet haven't done karate in about 4 years but I think I can use my imagination. Other than that, this isn't a little prank. No, this is flat out theft. A felony. Not a misdemeanor. A "Class A/B Offense" which can lead to suspension, dismissal, arrest, or a court referral (or any combination of the above), straight from the little old school planner itself. Yeah, big time. How's that?
In the unlikely scenario that you do manage to escape. You won't. Criminals always do it again. It's almost like clockwork. Eventually, you're going to get caught stealing somebody else's cookie dough. And when you do, I can assure you that you'll be sent to whatever little hell hole you and your friends normally go to. But that's not the ultimate sacrifice. You've already destined yourself to fail by adopting this little juvenile stint as a "gangsta" or as a "homeboy". Now I don't know if you're trying to make yourself look cool for some girlfriend or if you're just that hungry (I hope you choke and fart-sneeze in a crowd at the same time if you do) but this was a fundraiser. Thanks to you, I've lost $15 for paying for the cost of the box and another $15 that was meant to go to the NHS. Thanks, I really needed that. This was supposed to go towards awards for the particularly hardworking graduating seniors in our group. But no. Instead, the contents of this box will be used to reward the despicable actions of a backwards yobbo who has no intention of even writing his own name on the upper right hand corner of a paper. Pathetic.
While the satisfaction of catching a criminal can be sweet, it saddens me to know that there will always be degenerates like you at our school. Just to be clear, I'm not singling out any one ethnic group. I'm referring to the group called "The Slackers". Why just today, there were two fights, one in the cafeteria in which the crime took place, and out near Crane Park after school. I didn't see it, but I could see the droves of people leaving as the security broke up the fight. Riveting. I just don't see nor understand the fascination in all that barbarism. Go to the zoo or turn on Animal Planet if you want to see monkeys fight. This also extends to the people who don't try in school; those who refuse to learn. You're slowing the system down. If you don't even want to be here, what's stopping you? You're pissing the teachers off, and more importantly, you're pissing me off. If you could just go off and do whatever your life calling was (McDonald's condiment bottle re-filler, Starbucks cashier, Walmart store inventory checker, toilet scrubber and urinal cake replacer, professional wall headbutter, etc...) then do so. It would make me and everyone else a lot happier. I also feel that the wannabe MMA fighters of this school would make excellent soldiers out on the field. Simply round up a couple thousand (draft them from all over the school), drop them off on the front lines armed only with their fists and we'll win both the Middle East AND the Libyan Crisis in no time; all for practically no cost. Watch your back Osama, and you too Gadhafi.
(Don't rob me. Please!)
I must thank you for one thing however. Thanks to your deplorable actions, you actually made me more confident in Shakespeare-fest. Maybe a tad soft in the vocals department, but still. I thank you for helping me dance to the tune of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance". Unfortunately these condolences only last till the end of tomorrow's Shakespeare-fest, before I start despising your actions with all my willpower. Until then, revel in it as much as you can.
I hope to God that this was all some kind of mistake, some elaborate misunderstanding where I'll go to school tomorrow morning and it turned out that I accidentally shoved the box underneath a shelf or something and that every suspect was actually a good law abiding citizen. Unfortunately, this outcome is in no way realistic. Yep, this nugget of character building will probably sway me to become a lawyer (not really), some kind of judge (I'll do it for the food, wig, and gavel), or maybe a modern Dirty Harry (love that movie).
(Dirty Schwab... yeaaaah no.)
Aaaaannd Edit: It turns out that the VP cannot touch the people responsible. She narrowed the suspects down to two people but she lacks the evidence to get them. They're going to walk. That's what sucks about these people. They're so criminally hardened, they're capable of walking into the VP's room and straight up lie to her face with a smile. I can't imagine what their life is like at home. Man, I know it's wrong to think stuff like this, but I hope they end up committing some crime they can't get out of later on in life; especially when it counts. Based on what I saw today, I'm sure they will. Maybe they'll get busted for grand theft auto, identity theft, burglary, or shoplifting. Hey, maybe they'll try to run away from the authorities and be shot dead in the process. It's happened before. Maybe that's true justice; a quick court martial to the back of the head. Whatever, I just hope somebody pays for their mistakes.
Thanks to a youtube channel I regularly watch (sxephil), this other youtube video has suddenly come to my attention. It's epic. I don't mean that in the "Oh it's cool cause I'm using an overly used word that people might use for something like throwing up while in a movie theater". No. I mean that it's absofuckinglarious epic. It is well worthy of the title.
I know it's a long time from now (about another year) but I have a suggestion for my class' graduation song. I demand that it be "Nothin's Gonna Stand In Our Way" by Kick Axe (aka Spectre General). I love it. And it has nothing to do with the fact that it was used in the orgininal Transformers movie. I just love the way it sounds. Seriously, as soon as the office is open for suggestions, I'm going to suggest the hell out of it. Falsify papers, make up fake names, anything to get us to sing this song. Oh, and some random people to air guitar too. That would be nice.
I watched this movie today; initially with some skepticism but I eventually warmed up to it. It's a pretty good thriller . Nothing spectacular, but the idea is relatively original with a decent plot.
The premise is that Captain Colter Stevens is placed into the body of a victim on a train bombing that occured sometime earlier. His mission is to figure out where the bomb is located and the identity of the bomber so that bombings in reality can be stopped before they happen. The mechanism that allows him to access this "memory", called the "Source Code" which works by supposedly recreating a moment from the past using a persons brain (which conveniently functions a little after death) but can only do so for 8 minutes. This is explained in the movie by saying that it's a little like looking at the last portion of a security camera, but only 8 minutes at a time. They also compare it to something like a clock, where they can turn the hand back as many times as they want.
When the movie first starts, he freaks out, not knowing who he is when suddenly the train he's on blows up. He get's briefed on his mission and he starts to figure out that he's actually dead. At least sort of. And that's where the movie starts to turn into a "watthefack?" kind of movie (Inception hur hur). Ok, so he's in the "source code". Is that like the "matrix" or something? And what's up with him being technically dead? That's a little weird. Another thing is, how could anybody possibly recreate the environment in source code so well that you can predict how people will talk, think, and react to the point that you're still not playing God? I don't know. Seeing the same guy die over and over again while also being shown the same image of a duck flying serenely over a crystal clear stream will do that to you.
After so many tries, trials, and errors, he finds out that the killer's a guy named Derek Frost. Well I totally didn't expect that guy. I actually suspected the Arab (I'm a horrible person) and the douchebag with the laptop. Turns out he was a psycho who actually managed to build a nuclear device in his white van (what a cliche').
During the movie, Colter manages to disarm the bomb after only 2 tries. That's another thing that peeved me. Why did a guy make a bomb that was so easy to disarm (unplug two cellphones) when he was skilled enough to build a nuclear bomb? No wire cutting? That's blasphemy. And how did he get it on the train unnoticed in the first place (much less the ceiling vent)? That thing must have weighed at least 50 pounds.
Now after he catches the bad guy, I thought that was it. I was pretty sure that he was working solo. But then I realized that Colter's advisor guy; the man who invented the "source code", is also a villain. He's so caught up in the success of his experiment that he's willing to use Colter's life as a tool to further his own methods even though he promised that he would allow him to die after a successful mission. It saves millions of lives, but at what cost? Reminds me of people like Magneto and Megatron. Surprise; they're both villains.
(He wants to protect mutants like him...by killing humans.)
Despite already catching the bad guy, Colter wants to play hero again but this time with him saving everybody and him being unplugged while in the "source code". I kept thinking "What's the point? You're already dead and so is everybody else on the train." He saves them all and the plug is pulled while he kisses the woman that sat across him on the train throughout the movie which freezes everything that happens at that moment in the reality. But then it begins again as if they were on momentary pause. That's not supposed to happen (at least according to the movie). It was only supposed to last 8 minutes. So now Colter gets to live a new life as some teacher in some alternate universe? That's pretty crazy considering that he doesn't even recognize his own face (since it's not his).
I'm very familiar with the multiverse. It shows up in the comics that I read all the time. Spiderman, Captain America, Batman, Justice League, Superman, The Flash, Deadpool... Speaking of Deadpool; ever read Deadpool Corps? Nevermind.
(They are all the same guy but in different universes.)
So anyway, I couldn't help but compare this movie to Groundhog Day, where the guy from Ghostbusters plays a sardonic news reporter who fails to see the importance of the aforementioned holiday. He's cursed to repeat the day until he "get's it right". However, I thought that aside from that, this movie was completely different. Though it does have it's sparse funny dialogue, it is not a comedy. It served it's purpose, and it served it well. Some parts of the movie were so intense, I had my underwear riding up my ass. And it also had me thinking one of those moral questions yet again. Is it okay to screw one guy so you can save the lives of others, no matter how many? Do the ends really justify the means?
Host: Good evening ladies and gentleman, and welcome to our first ever 1-Up interview with our guest; the magnificent, the magnanimous, the polygamist, the often times disgusting, the legendary Badger Dan! Now Badger Dan, I am a huge fan of your work, especially on Survivor Guy and Man vs that Cruel Bitch called Mother Nature. On average, how many people would you say, watches your show on a daily basis?
Dan: Oh I'd say about at least 8 billion.
Host: Uhh, but aren't there only 6-7 billion people on Earth? Not to mention the fact that a large portion of that Earth lacks basic cable and all.
Dan: Well, you forgot to factor in multiple viewings by some of my most die hard fans.
Host: True, true, I do watch your shows at least 6 times a day; even while I'm in the shower. :Audience murmurs in mutual agreement:
Dan: You also forgot to add in the people who shop around stores like Sears with those big flat screen televisions showcasing some of my heroic survival feets. One person multiplied by a lot of TV's equals a lot of viewers. Thus, one shopping mall can generate up to at least a million views in a couple hours. With some basic arithmetic, that comes out to a clean 8,000 million, or in other words 8 billion viewers.
Host: Brilliant. Now before I forget the reason why you're here in the first place, why have you come to Hawaii anyway? Are you thinking of vacationing here?
Dan: Oh no, nothing like that. In fact, I'm actually here to film a special edition for my two shows.
Host: Wait a second. Two shows at one time? Isn't it easy to have scheduling conflictions with your camera crews?
Dan: Ah well, as you already know, I film myself for Survivor Guy while working with an assistant to show the basics of survival. :cheers of agreement from audience: However with Man vs that Cruel Bitch called Mother Nature, I have only one cameraman while only I am in the spotlight. In fact, here he is.
???:....
Host: Quiet fellow isn't he? Uh, what's his name?
Dan: Oh he's just a little shy and he doesn't like talking in front of other people. His full name's Dr. Archibald Chochohill Livingstone, but you may call him Chocho for short. Not only is he the cameraman, he's also the assistant; so he's quite the talented fellow.
Host: Interesting. So what will you two be doing here in the islands?
Dan: We will be cataloging some of the non native animals here while also showing the best and worst method of catching and eating said animal in the scenario that world apocalypse has occurred and that all the supermarkets are closed.
Host: Sounds great. I heard that you two have brought in some props for live demonstration. Is that one of those annoying pigeon's that crap on your car while stopping under a traffic light? :points at a caged brown bird with yellow beak and black head: Do they come from the mainland?
Dan: Oh no, that is Acridotheres tristis, the Common Myna aka the Indian Myna. They have generally tough meat and they're a little hard to catch so I do not recommend them, unless in an emergency. However the pigeon you were referring to previously is the Zebra Dove; Geopelia striata. They come from around Southeast Asia. They're filling and pretty easy to catch.
Host: Really? Tell us more Badger Dan.
Dan: Well, first I'd like to allow Assistant Chocho to demonstrate the wrong thing to do to capture birds.
Chocho: :releases birds and brings out pole and gloves. He pole vaults into the flock of birds and attempts to punch and kick them out of the air:
Dan: Now you see, he brought the wrong equipment and is doing the standard procedure for hunting giraffes. We are hunting birds. Now we know that birds have a nasty habit of doing their toiletries on your car, your expensive jacket, your hair; basically anything expensive. I've devised a cunning trap that catches the little shits 100% of the time if done correctly. Now simply take off your jacket and begin to dig a hole big enough for you to sit on but not fall in. Bury your jacket like so...as you won't be needing it anymore. Now these birds find a jacket irresistible to crap on, so as a result they begin to dig ferociously to satisfy this idiotic carnal instinct of theirs. Watch.
:oohs and aahs:
Dan: Now that they have re-dug a decent sized hole, gauge the amount of progress they've made. It's important to make sure they don't get the chance to do "the deed" as they will fly off immediately after doing so. Now simply just plug up the crater with anything flat or large you can find so that they can't escape. Don't be worried about them noticing you as they'll be too busy digging. Also, don't be afraid to use your ass, as this is a survival situation. Now just wait a minute or two for the birds to asphyxiate and behold. You are now the proud owner of a weeks worth of meals. Don't forget to gather the feathers to make into a feather boa for warmth or a survival gown. Don't be shy about that either. Dressing in drag can be the difference between life and death so make it as long, luxurious, and fabulous as possible. Oh if you can't manage to find a jacket lying around, just hold a large piece of glass in the vertical position while taping seeds to the surface. Place it in a high traffic area. It's a little slower but just as effective.
Host: Oh and what about those little brown sparrows? Aren't they a little runty?
Dan: Passer domesticus? The House Sparrows? On the contrary, they're a delicacy much like Zimbabwean grub-worms.
Host: I remember that episode. That was even more epic than the usual.
Dan: Well, skydiving into a volcano while shooting down a herd of wildebeest from several miles up does give it a special feeling but I digress. I even have a secret recipe for our sparrow friends. Just fry them. In tempura batter if you can find it. Did I also mention that I was a part time Iron Chef?
:scribble and scratches from note taking in the audience:
Dan: Now on the subject of ducks. My assistant Chocho is an expert in such matters. I'll let him take over.
Chocho: :takes a dead duck, stretches it out into longer shape, then proceeds to club other ducks, while also fending off a bear. He then crushes several walnuts with the beak, roasts it using it's own feathers as tinder, and then eats it with the crushed walnuts as a seasoning:
Dan: As you can see; a dead duck in expert hands can be the swiss army knife of the wild, acting as a hunting tool, bludgeoning flail, defensive billy club, delicate towel, nutcracker, fire starter, and as an emergency ration. Notice how the distribution of feathers help to spread the heat evenly which cooks the duck billed avian all the way through.
:more oohs and aahs:
Host: Ooh, I also notice you have some mongoose. That I know about.
Dan: Ah yes, Herpestes javanicus, the South Asian Mongoose; or as we like to call it, fast food. Take note however that you should only do this with juvenile mongooses as the adults often put up a nasty fight by clawing at your stomach and mouth. Or mongeese. Or however you pronounce the plural form of mongoose. When you come across a young mongoose, simply engulf the little thing and keep it in your mouth. What makes this so simple is that it requires almost no preparation, plus it is interactive as Chocho is demonstrating now.
Chocho: :muffle:
Dan: With the vermin in his mouth, he has many different ways of killing it; humanely of course. He could drown it in his own saliva, wrestle it into submission and then strangle it with his tongue, or deprive it of oxygen until it suffocates. At this point he can swallow it. Now for the more squeamish of survivalists, you can skin the mongoose by pulling at the nape of the beast and pulling the fur off in one clean stroke; much like a tube sock. You are now free to eat the animal at your leisure.
Host: I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you there Badger Dan as we're fresh out of time.
:boos and hisses and cries of disappointment from audience:
Dan: Well, it's not all bad. Tune in on Saturday and I'll teach you how to make a shelter out of a single squashed roach.
(This was inspired by a conversation between me and David about birds and mongooses. And other stuff about eating them. I can't remember.)
I kind of, sort of like homework. I mean, it's okay in moderate amounts. Kind of like spinach in that it's supposed to help you learn better, retain more knowledge, and what not. It's just that sometimes, no matter how much of it you take, you don't feel any smarter. Just pissed off; sort of like how chugging down gallons of pureed spinach will not turn you into the blatant product placement/health advertisement that is Popeye. My main beef with the stuff that teachers churn out is that it's too formulaic. I already know how to do this stuff, I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't learn anything and it's been tried and done for 12 years already. Give me something else. To put it in terms I can understand, "Have you ever played a game where you have to do the same thing over and over again? Pisses you off don't it?"
(I hate training in Pokemon.)
I like to separate my assignments into special little groups depending on how much I like them. There's the good kinds (which show up once in a blue moon), the bad (which are the most common), and the ugly (the ugly little zits that pop up every now and then; often times replaces the bad with some teachers).
Let's talk about the good. The last time I ever got something like this was in maybe 3rd grade; no joke. The only good homework to me is either no homework or something that barely even passes as it, like bring an object for show and tell (which ends up being an oddly bent coat hanger or a funny looking rock I find outside) or watch TV and share with the class. With the number of classes I have everyday, the chances of me having an entire day of no work is literally up a rats ass.
(So many ways to look up "penis", so little time.)
The bad. I should just say the "common". This stuff is the bane of every childs dreams. Specifically since sometimes it's takes them so long to do it that they don't have a chance to go to sleep and dream. It's not so much that it's hard. It's just that there's so much of it. Like a swarm of locusts, these little worksheets find their way into every portion of your everyday curricular thoughts. "Did I finish that worksheet?", "I wonder if it's due tomorrow", "I hope I did everything correctly", "What was for homework again?" There's so many of it, there's bound to be a day where you forget to do one assignment and lose a decent chunk out of your percentage. It's guaranteed to happen unless you got a planner and who uses those? (I do and I still forget sometimes).
The ugly... ugh I hate this shit. There I said it. I hate it. So much. These are the mind blowingly tedious, redundant, and god awful abominations of the school system. Anything big with a relatively short due date; lab reports, science fairs, essays, etc... This is what screws up most people for life. Being forced to do so much crap in a couple days just isn't natural. For example, a 10 problem worksheet for Calculus looks like it belongs in the "Bad" category but it's looks can be deceiving; especially if you have to show all your work. It's "that kind of assignment" when you either gotta do research, go back to your notes, plan and think ahead, memorize, or copy off someone else.
(Yeah after a while I kind of want to hang myself by my own nosehairs too.[He's the "Ugly" by the way])
Procrastination just makes everything worse. You don't want to actually do the work, since "who would" honestly? What kind of masochist would you be to like self torture? I'm not. So naturally I see something else I'd rather do and I entertain myself with that. Unfortunately this always comes back to bite me on the ass later on as my homework is nowhere near completion and I'm already a little tired from playing video games, pruny from singing (or just sitting idly) in the shower, and a little sore from just wandering the house opening the refrigerator sporadically in between trips from the kitchen and living room. This entire post was actually inspired by a friend who said quote "homework sucks, make a new blog entry im bored". Now that I'm finished (and she is undoubtedly distracting herself with this little post, I can say that we have both fallen victim to the fiendish devil that is procrastination. Quid Pro Quo.
This book was suggested to me by "Madame Diep", and I have to say that I'm glad I took her advice. It's amazing. It's certainly not Shakespeare and I'm glad it's not even close. I'm already in high school, not to mention in Shakespeare fest. I'm sick of reading classical literature. On topic: If you read this book, you'll be happy to know that it's written in a certain style that's just... easy to read. The way it describes certain things from the viewpoint of a sarcastic/sardonic teenager on the verge of entering the college of his dreams; it's just hard to stop poring over every line and that's what I like about this book. It has so many hooks that draw you in, whether it's the prose, the vibrant cast of characters, or the hilarious little anecdotes that adorn the bottom of every 4th or 5th page.
The basic plot is that a kid named Hart Fox is trying to get into the best Ivy league college in the country, called Stutts. The catch is that they only allow one person a year from each school (or something like that) so the competition is fierce. He makes a deal with his hometown richman Mr. Darling, to pay his way through the $75,000+ yearly fee (since he's poor) but at the cost of him taking all the classes of his idiot son, Trip; who also managed to get into Stutts. He goes through many trials in his new school but not in the way that he expects; in fact, Stutts is almost the complete opposite of what he expected it to be. By allying with his new friends, he finds different ways to
From page one, I was already drawn into this boy's struggle, seeing how it's pretty relevant to what I'll have to endeavor through later on. The book plays upon the clichéd "I'm a boy and I have a girl rival: I need to beat her" with Hark competing against a girl named Doreen for the coveted acceptance letter into Stutts. In fact, I thought this was going to be the main conflict but boy was I wrong. It wasn't even 1% of the story. The curveball here is that neither of them got it. It was actually Trip, the idiot son I mentioned earlier. Now this brings up the main problem. Trip's dad is rich. Filthy rich. He bathes in it. He, along with his lineage are also complete assholes. And that's what makes this book such an entertaining one. It's got so many assholes. But I'll get back to that later.
Now you can already see what happened here. Daddy Darling probably paid off a couple folks to let his son into his alma mater (which is probably how he got in too) over the prime candidate Hart. When Hart finds out about that, he demands that he also get in, along with payed tuition. Darling accepts grudgingly but also demands that Hart take all of Trip's classes. Outgunned and outplayed (since Mr. Darling practically holds all the cards), Hart begins his journey into becoming a Stutt's freshman. What he discovers is a school completely devoid of the niceties and sophistication he thought "the best Ivy League school in America" would have. It's actually quite the opposite. He moves into Dacron house while Trip moves into his family's private suite on campus, while also managing to become part of the most foul and idiotic fraternity in existence, Comma Comma Apostrophe (,,').
Hart makes new friends in the form of Peter; a fellow intellectual who loves his wheelchair gadgetry and pranks, Ellen and Reed; The Cuckoo staff members (a failing humor paper), and Tabitha; his girlfriend who happens to be a 150 year old vampire who also happened to take the virginity of several men in history (one of whom was Mark Twain). She also wishes she could turn into a whale.
I won't give the rest of it away (since that would ruin everything) but once again; the things I liked about this book are the assholes, jerkfaces, and complete douchebags that are prevalent among the campus. While reading, I couldn't help but hearken back to the elementary school days where I first started reading Harry Potter. I saw many similarities with the magical setting (though in a different way) and it's cast of antagonistic characters (Malfoy, Snape), though in a much larger concentration. Imagine Harry Potter but with everybody except Harry and few people belonging in Slytherin. That's pretty funny.
As you can tell already, the antagonists are some of the most stupid, vile, corrupt, and downright disgusting creatures ever to walk the face of the Earth much less a college. Now how could this be appealing to the reader you ask? Although it seems like it's David (Hart) vs Goliath (Dumb and Dumber) situation, the story moves along rather quickly because as a reader with a conscience, you want to keep reading to find out if Hart wins out in the end or not. The bad guys piss you off just enough to keep on flipping the pages even if you're on the last twenty or so sheets with the hope that "This kid's going to do it. These douchebags are finally going to get theirs."
Another thing I liked about this book was the humor involved. Of course there was the occasional slur (but we're all adults now) but the unique gem in this book was the numerous little anecdotes indicated by a small number next to a key phrase and the little passage at the bottom. The jokes and stories that accompanied these portions were frighteningly witty, and at times, just had me chuckling to myself while the occasional pedestrian on the sidewalk avoided walking close to me for fear of me being insane. That hasn't happened too many times before. I also enjoyed the random humor and the completely (and sometimes downright impossible) moments of fantasy. For example, this quote will be stuck in my head (with page number memorized) forever "The feel of rain on your balls - there's nothing like it". Has anyone ever seen a wheelchair deploy a fully rotational Vulcan machine gun while going 30 miles per hour? I know I haven't. Did you also know that vampires have a global organization called the COTD?
I highly suggest this book. I suggest the hell out of it. By the power vested in me, read this god damn book with all your might. It's funny, it's modern (so no need for translating outdated jargon), and it makes sense to the demographic it's intended for (us).*
*It changed my life, I don't think I can look at colleges (or fraternities, or wheelchairs) the same way again. Best book I read this year. Evaaaarrrr.
This is easily one of my favorite Disney movies and it's actually one of the first animated films I was exposed to in my childhood (Meemaw liked Asian films). The scenery, the animation (especially the battle scenes), and the messages. It's just simply a feel good film. There's a special kind of charm to this movie that quite frankly isn't in a lot of movies today being that I can watch it over and over again and never get bored.
The movie starts off with the Huns climbing over the Great Wall and beginning their invasion of China. The emperor then decrees that all households (families) must contribute one man to the army in the notion that "every man counts". I'd like to make a small note saying that the Hun leader, Shan Yu is one of the creepiest villains in the Disney cast. His voice and eyes (especially those eyes) kind of remind me of another antagonist from an Asian themed movie, Kung Fu Panda (Tai Lung). The fact that he just stood there and allowed the sentry to set the fire signal to warn of his arrival... that's ballsy.
The main character is introduced with a story that seemingly has nothing to with the previous one. Mulan is shown apparently writing crib notes on her arm to remember a speech she has to do to impress a matchmaker (where she competes with other women to become a bride). This sort of thing was common back then in China, where a woman was bound by honor and duty; a theme that's prevalent throughout the film. She fails miserably due to her "lucky" cricket and her inherent tomboy nature, but it's shown that she's both resourceful and intelligent (which plays an important role later on).
(That face...Hnnggghh!)
Being the daughter and only child of her family, the fate of her family rests with her ability to procure a husband (I'm not sure how this works but I believe that since women back in China could not own property and that property ownership transferred from the wife to the husband, this was the only way for Mulan's family to maintain it's position / or maybe it's just an "honor" thing). Having failed to impress the matchmaker (obviously), the situation is only made worse when the emperor's "secretary" Chi-Fu arrives to draft men in the army. Being the only man in the family, Mulan's father has no choice but to accept. Unfortunately, he's in no shape to be in the army, having already served in a war, being old, and having a debilitating injury (he uses a cane to walk). Mulan vigorously disagrees with his decision but is rebuked by her father once again bringing up the timely theme by stating that it is his "duty" to serve the emperor. She runs off but somehow realizes that the only way to save her father is to adopt a new persona as her father's son and join the army herself.
In yet another story arc about gaining honor, the family ancestors send a guardian dragon to retrieve Mulan to save her from disaster. Mushu; the demoted family guardian, accidentally destroys the stone dragon he was instructed to awaken resulting in him taking his place in secret to prevent retribution from the ancestors. He along with Crikee (the cricket) catch up to Mulan to provide comedic relief and give her advice on how to act like a man but due to his misguidance, she creates a ruckus on her first day. (Another thing I liked about this movie was Eddie Murphy's voice work as the dragon Mushu. His Jessie Jackson type sermons and references to Batman were a nice treat. What struck me as funny was the odds of a dragon with the voice of a black comedian in the middle of China...but that's getting a little too far into it.)
While initially telling Mulan (or Ping as her male alias) to pack up and go home, she (or rather he) wins Captain Li Shang's respect by successfully accomplishing his test (to retrieve an arrow at the top of a towering pole while carrying two heavy weights in each hand). Fast forward past a motivational training montage and Mulan transforms into a capable warrior with 3 new friends (or stooges, whichever you prefer). I liken them to Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Li-Shang is anxious for his troops to begin battle but his advisor Chi Fu states that the troops are not ready due to his evaluations of before. Realizing that his plan maybe in jeapordy (turn Mulan into a war hero and bring her home), in yet another hilarious scene, Mushu tricks Chi Fu by giving him a fake order that states that back up is needed at the front lines.
(The Make-Believe Commander and his "black and white" mount.)
After another travel montage and enlightening soundtrack, the mood is brought down to a screeching halt as the troops come upon a town ravaged by the Huns. The devastation is reminiscent of this scene in 300 but with absolutely no dead bodies or blood. They then come upon the remains of a battle with the apparent victors the Huns and the helmet of Li Shang's father, the General. The worst is assumed. The troops are then ambushed by the Huns thanks to an act of idiocy on Mushu's part and due to Mulan's quick thinking, the enemy is wiped out by an avalanche set off by a rocket. Unfortunately, Mulan is wounded (the first time that I see blood in a Disney movie... ever.) and her cover is blown when she has to take her armor off. About to be slain by the Captain for being a woman in battle (the "law"), he stops in mercy, opting to abandon her on the mountain instead.
(Fastest victory... ever.)
Failing to regain honor masquerading as a man, she goes into a depressive monologue but stops when she realizes that Shan Yu is alive (from his echoing yell). She rushes down to the Forbidden city to warn the Emperor but she is met with hostility and disdain from her former partners and citizens for being a woman. The Huns reveal their presence, the Emperor is taken hostage, and they barricade themselves in the palace. In a classic Disney twist, the soldiers are instructed by Mulan to dress up in drag to fool the cronies while breaking into the palace by using their dresses (Coincidentally the voice actor for Yao played a lead role in Torch Song Trilogy, a play about a gay drag performer: needless to say, he's a champion for gay rights). Quoting Batman, Mushu manages to obtain heavy duty fireworks (a barrel rocket), Shan Yu is trapped by Mulan's ingenuity (again), the lizard steadies his aim, and the resulting attack blasts him into the firework storehouse triggering a chain reaction that encompasses all forms of "overkill" assuring the viewer that "This guy is dead. He's deader than dead. His ancestors probably felt that. He must have vaporized within seconds..." something like that.
(Death by instant combustion of hundreds of cheap chinese rockets.)
And so the day is saved by a woman. The Emperor acknowledges this and gives her his medal and Shan Yu's sword, and even offers her Chi Fu's job. She returns home to her father and he's just happy to see she's alive. Li Shang arrives for dinner, Mushu get's his job back as family guardian and it's a typical happily ever after ending.
I liked how this movie played on female empowerment and all but isn't it kind of weird that to do this, Mulan had to first disguise herself as a boy? And how do you not notice a woman in a man's armor? Were the soldiers idiots? Or just plain blind? I promise you that If I put a helmet on Beyonce and asked you whether or not she was a man or woman, you wouldn't even have to reply. I also couldn't help but notice that all the characters have the thinnest eyes I've ever seen in a Disney movie. Not to mention that out of all the princesses, Mulan has the flattest chest. I'm not sure whether this is supposed to play on some kind of stereotype so I'll just chalk it up to nothing more than sheer coincidence. Also interesting to note that nobody kisses anybody in this film (with the exception of one occurence between Ling and his imaginary wife in the song, "A Girl Worth Fighting For").
(Be aware that this is as close as they ever get. GG Disney.)
Another thing is the string in this movie. Wherever there's string, you're bound to see something that defies the laws of physics. I wasn't aware that a single piece of string can support a horse and two people. At then ending scene where the troops make their escape, they hang onto lantern strings to rappel down. That's right. The string is the only thing supporting their weight. That stuff has got to be made of pure unadulterated tarantula silk.
(How can one string and silk cloth support this behemoth and the geezer he's holding?)
This movie was made during the Disney Renaissance (The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Alladin, etc...) so of course, there are singing numbers in it. They were okay. Some of them were great but the other singers in them had pretty raucous voices. In short, while some of them were memorable, I disliked the parts where the stooges got to sing. It just sounded... wrong. That didn't make it any less funnier though. I actually enjoyed their roles though more for the visual comedic effect than the singing portion. To my knowledge, Mulan's singing role is done by the same person who sang for Princess Jasmine in Alladin.
All in all, though it has it's funny little quirks (and suspiciously racist ones), I say it's a good movie. I expected a full on cheesefest when I popped this thing into my DVD player but instead, it was an enjoyable experience. I finally understood some of the quips, jokes, and references that totally went over my head when I was little. In fact, when I watched this film, I realized that this was probably one of the more violent Disney movies at the time. Sure there weren't any dead bodies, but it was implied. Entire villages and infantry units decimated and the depiction of actual blood? There were even some one liners leading up to "implied scenes" (the scene cut away before they were about to do or say what they were going to do) which in my opinion were well worthy of a PG-13 rating. I won't spoil it, but it's pretty sinister for a kids movie.
